The Sea Is A Good Place to Think of The Future
by Sir Rigby
Summary: You're alive but you aren't really living. You watch the clock tick away and pray for it to speed up so you don't have to spend another day in this body anymore.
1. Memories

_The Sea Is A Good Place to Think of the Future - 1_

She looks at me from the other side of the room and glares. Her eyes, they have no color. Glossy black pupils. Her nails are painted long and red and her legs are crossed carefully, in a way that shows enough leg but doesn't dare show past her mid-thigh. Not because she believes in the school rules. It's because every time her skirt moves up higher, her boyfriend reaches from behind her to pull it back down. He isn't protective, he's jealous.

I don't bother staring back. I used to like staring at her. You have the same eyes. I thought if I gazed into them deeply enough, I would see you. And you would see me. And I would wake up and this would all just be a bad dream. Funny how that never works out, isn't it?

Funny how life just happens.

When the bell rings I don't rush out to meet you in the hallways anymore. I pack up my stuff slowly and place all of it in my bag, but I don't bring anything home. I guess I'm worried that I'll have to try and save someone else and my bag will just hold me down again.

She doesn't move until I'm finished packing. We are the only ones left in the room, I don't notice this until it is too late. She moves in like a jaguar trapping its prey. I cower in the corner, stuck in a silky cobweb of guilt. Her eyes are narrowed to slits and her voice hisses out, _faultguilttraitorliar_. The words change but the meaning stays the same. It's my fault. I'm guilty. I should go and jump off a bridge, I should stop living. _Allyourfault_.

I am pushed. I stumble, fall on the floor, bruise my arm. What is the point of screaming for help when no one comes? She doesn't bother doing anything else, either because she is busy or because she doesn't want someone to accidentally barge in here, I don't know. She tosses her bag over her shoulder with her hair and walks out. Her friends are waiting. She has a life to live.

I take my time walking home. It's the middle of winter and I live almost an hour away from the school, but I don't bother taking the bus anymore. What if someone tries to jump off a skyscraper? I would be stuck on the bus and I wouldn't be able to get to them in time. They would die, and it would be my fault. All my fault.

The snow seeps through my socks and goosebumps travel across my skin. If you were here right now you would yell at me for not changing into pants or wearing boots. You would offer me your jacket even though you would be colder than me. You worried about me even though you were too fragile to worry about yourself.

Smells flow through my nose and suddenly I pick up the pace. I shouldn't have walked. I don't want to be here. I don't want to watch everything over again in my mind. Why did I walk this way? Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why did I walk this way?

My legs carry me to places I don't want to go. I can't get my brain to shut them off. I can't get them to stop. I run and I pretend not to know where I'm going. The smells get closer and deeper and I'm afraid to close my eyes because when I do I will see what I've been trying to block out for the past month.

You stand with shaky knees. I can't see your face but I can tell that you've been crying. I scream and no words come out. You turn and you look at me with such an empty gaze that I stop breathing. _Nopointinliving_. I try to say something but you aren't listening. Your eyes aren't looking at anything. Your ears aren't hearing a single sound. _Nopoint_. I want to run and pull you off the edge, hug you in my arms, never let go.

I'm afraid you'll jump if I take a step forward.

Something bumps into me and I stumble. "_Excuse me_," a woman apologizes before walking away. I look back at the railing-there is nothing but swirling snow. Was I imagining it? It feels like my head hit the ground a thousand times. I turn around and walk slowly. I try not to think about it. My stomach churns and I clench my teeth. If I don't remember it, if I don't think about it, it will all go away. It never happened. _Denydenydeny_.

I don't get home until dinnertime. My father is away on business trip for his photography and my mother is in some long fancy meeting. My sister Ami is at her friend's house for the weekend. I climb up the stairs and stand in the hallway. I can hear your breath and I can feel your eyelashes against my cheek. I run to my bedroom and slam the door so hard the frame cracks. _Leaveleaveleave_. _Dieleavemealonggoaway_. I pull the curtains on my balcony door, lock my windows, and crawl under the comforter. With no light from the sky my room is dark enough where I don't see any shadows. I lay under the blankets with my eyes closed and I try to focus on being nothing.

When I wake there isn't a single sound. I look at the clock, 11:13PM. I've only slept for five hours. You stand near my door and watch. I try to shut my eyes but I can still see you. I don't know if I am paralyzed with guilt or fear. You walk over to me and touch my face. _Sorry_. Your eyes are black and empty and your face isn't recognizable. _Nopoint_.

You lay in the bathtub and spilled bottles are scattered on the counter. You lock the door and don't answer when I bang on it. You lock everyone out and don't answer when they try to help. _Sleepsorry_. The lock on the door doesn't budge and the hospital staff keeps you locked up for a month. _Sleepsorry_. You've always wanted to be isolated.

I blink and you're gone. I roll over and shut my eyes tight again. I want to sleep for a thousand years and never wake up.


	2. Death

**(**_if you are looking for some music to listen to while reading this, I suggest anything by the seven mile journey, specifically 'simplicity has a paradox' and 'purification'_**)**

_The Sea Is A Good Place to Think of the Future - 2_

The smell of watery snow mixes in with the excitement of winter break freedom. Teenagers hold hands on park benches and children build snowmen. You sit with your legs dangling in the almost-frozen pond, watching the chilled fish swim away. _Snowcold_. I kneel next to you and pour you a cup of hot chocolate. You used to love eating chocolate ice cream so I thought hot chocolate would be the next best thing. You don't touch it.

I offer you a bite of my lunch and you stare blankly at the water. I think that you aren't even looking at the pond, you are just looking. Staring into nothing. Thinking of nothing. Doing nothing. _Feellikenothing_.

I bite my lip and realize that I'm crushing my dog. Dogs don't drink hot chocolate. I rise and pull the leash, he follows. We stroll along the icy path before heading back home. The snow travels in with us, leaving an insignificant and troublesome mess of frozen water on the rug. My father is still away. My mother is in her office and Ami is upstairs. I walk up the stairs and her door is open slightly. You are holding her neck and kissing her cheek. She giggles. You don't bother looking in my direction until my hand is closed around the doorknob. She screams at me for walking in and you say nothing. _Sorry_. I don't realize I'm standing in an empty room until Ami comes up behind me. _Move_. I step out of her room and wipe a tear from my cheek.

Ami's room is still messy. My room hasn't changed either. I haven't touched my desk or my bookcase in months. If it weren't for the rumpled bed covers my room would look like one out of a furniture catalog. I don't remember when it got so organized. I faintly remember my mother knocking on my door and asking if I needed help cleaning. Did I say yes?

You used to sneak in after midnight through my balcony doors and cover up in my bed. You didn't always, only when you had a fight with your parents. I would find you covered in bruises and scratches. Why did I devote my time to helping you? _Waste_.

You shook my shoulder until I opened my eyes groggily. Your eye was black and your lip was swollen and bleeding. Did you chip a tooth? Your arms had long streaks going across your wrists. _Nothing_. I didn't know if you were beat up or you were cutting again or if both. The only thing I could do was give you a hug. I was so afraid that I would end up breaking you, so I didn't squeeze you. You didn't ask for help or love or affection. You never asked for help. What was I supposed to do when you couldn't speak? How do you help someone who needs it but doesn't accept it?

_Risks_. You tower over the window ledge. You laugh when I cry and scream, _getoffgetoffgetoff_. Sometimes I think you like torturing my feelings, you like knowing someone cares. "_It's only two stories_," you say in a deadpan voice. You close your eyes and fall back. I run to the window and you are laying on the lower roof, laughing. "_I'm not stupid enough to kill myself_."

You force your foot down on the pedal and swerve in and out of cars. You let go of the steering wheel and look back at me and smirk. "_Scared_?" I try to grab a hold of the wheel and you push me back. "_Watch_." You twist the keys and pull them out of the engine. We are sitting in the middle of the train tracks. I hear the whistle and scream. You laugh and put the keys back in the engine, but don't drive off until the last second. "_What the fuck is wrong with you I hate you why did you do that we could have been killed_!" You don't react when I punch your chest. _Sorry_. You don't say anything when I walk the rest of the way home.

You walk slowly in front of me with your hands in your pockets. I watch you look around the store in the corner of your eye, then watch your fingers curl around a candy bar and slip it inside your pocket. "_Don't_." You pretend not to hear me. You turn around and yank on my arm, pulling me out with you. One of the cashiers follows us out and you push me behind the dumpster. "_No I didn't steal anything_." You hit the cashier in the jaw and grab me and half-carry half-drag me to one of the nearby parks. "_Why did you steal I have food at my house you can always eat there._" You don't answer. You pull the wrapper slowly, break off a chunk, and push it in my mouth. _Don'tspeak_. You keep doing this, breaking off bits of chocolate and feeding them to me, until the first square of the bar is gone. You pull the wrapper back up and stuff it in your pocket. You turn and look at me. _Kiss_.

You walk me home and say goodnight and push me in the door. You tell me not to say anything. You kiss me goodnight and I am surprised and I don't know what to do. _Goodbye_.

Fast forward three hours and you are in the hospital hooked up to a hundred different machines. _Sorry_. _Fault_. _Goodbye_.

Wake up and realize that I'm at your funeral and there are thousands of kids who don't care standing around because they'd rather be celebrating the life of someone they used to bully over solving algebraic equations. Your sister is too busy churning out the crocodile tears for attention and your mother isn't speaking. The wake was open-casket but it should have been closed. No one bothered looking at you besides me, anyway.

Fast forward one week later and everyone is talking about the affair that a teacher had. Fast forward one month later and everyone is too busy with winter break to remember what happened. Fast forward a year later and I'm sure no one would even remember who you were.

I lock the bathroom door and drag out the pill bottles. "_What is the point in existing if no one notices_?" Ibuprofen, Naproxen, Vicodin. What was the one you used? OxyCotin. The caps don't come off right away and I break open one of the plastic bottles from the side, spilling fat white pebbles everywhere. My hands reach around the sink and fill my palms with pills. One by one they pour down my throat. I choke on gulps of water. Walk, stumble, trip. Bang. The ceiling is white and there is mold spot in the corner. My eyes flutter close and I throw up words. Someone bangs on the door and this is doesn't feel real. What did I just do? _What did I just do_? This is the way to go, isn't it? Alone and isolated and freeing yourself from the world because "_no one cares_." Fuck you, I cared. I cried and screamed and I took care of you and I kept you from doing stupid shit like this but you still went and tried to kill yourself and actually succeeded and all you did was play with me like a _fucking toy_ and I hate you I just fucking hate you. I crawl out of the tub and my hands shake when they try to play with the lock. This is fucking stupid, you worthless coward. You were a fucking coward. Ami pushes open the door and there are tears streaming down her face.

"Oh my god, oh my god, Amu, what the fuck, seriously," she yells. Ami picks me up and drags me to the stairway. "Mom!" she screams. You stand at the bottom of the stairs. I narrow my eyes and bite my lip. _Sorry_. My mother runs up the stairs and helps me walk to the car. You slide in the seat next to me before the door closes and smirk. _Sorry_. I plug my fingers in my ears and pretend I'm not here and pretend I don't care. Ami jumps in the front seat and my mother pulls out of the driveway without bothering to shut the garage door.

You cuddle up next to me and whisper in my ear. _Nopoint_. You show me your scars on your wrists and laugh when I cry. _Useless_. You play games with me and fuck with my head. You don't say anything when I try to tell you what you're doing. You deny that you need help. You're living but you aren't really living. You're just dead on the inside and everyone knows it and everyone was just waiting for the day you would off yourself.

I close my eyes and rest my head against the window. You curl up on my lap like a little child. _Wait_. I don't open my eyes again because I'm afraid I will actually see you, not just imagine you. _Sorry_. You don't follow me into the hospital and you aren't waiting in my room or in my hallway or at the park or on the roof of the school. _Sorry_. You aren't waiting for me when I get out.

I unlock the balcony doors and open the blinds up again. You knock on the window and wave. You smile apologetically, and I nod. You turn around and crawl down the tree, and somewhere between the snow and the fence you disappear in thin air. _Goodbye_.


End file.
